Stretch Break

POIPU, HAWAII, Nov. 16, 2015—About four hours into our seven-hour flight into Kauai, we noticed that our flight attendant had disappeared. She had provided impeccable customer

The Hawaiian islands from space

service throughout the flight up until this point, so her absence was unexpected. Figuring it was a good time for a "comfort break," I made my way to the lavatory—an incredibly dilapidated and cramped space that afforded barely enough room for me to slump forward uncomfortably over the sad stainless steel commode. Had I been any fatter, I probably wouldn't have fit into the small space. I wondered whether flight attendants are ever called upon to administer lubricants to the love handles of obese passengers in order to facilitate their entry and exit into the toilet. Figuring that such a thing was, indeed, not out of the realm of possibility, I made a concerted effort to avoid contacting the walls of the water closet, which reeked of the blue chemical enzyme used during the flushing process.

Sunrise from the lanai provides a moment to reflect

A sudden spate of turbulence caused me to bump noisily against the bulkhead. I recoiled involuntarily and checked my sleeves for the telltale stains of the "special lubricant" that would be unceremoniously sprayed upon the corpulent. Luckily, there was no oily residue, and I was able to maintain my aim into the bullseye flap of metal at the center of the bowl below. I re-holstered my junk, inspected myself for any "spoon spots" on the front of my trousers and took an extra moment to thoroughly wash my hands. As I exited, I smiled at the flight attendant, who had resumed her position at the front of the craft.

"Did you need anything?" she asked as I walked by.

"No thank you," I said.

Beauty of this variety can't be found in the Atomic City

Once seated, we noticed the flight attendant was doing subtle leg lifts, doing reps of 10 on one leg and then 10 more on the other. It was a routine she had probably kiped from the pages of Self magazine, under a heading of how to keep your thighs and buttocks firm and toned while working, in just 10 minutes a day!

Good for her, I thought. Everyone needs a stretch break. It just so happened that ours involved a seven hour flight to a place 2,984 miles away.

That last mileage figure is pretty close. We know that because our iPhones told us the distance early on in our flight. We had neglected to switch our devices to Airplane Mode, but thankfully our negligence did not cause our craft to plummet from the skies. Shortly after taking off out of Phoenix, we had asked Siri to provide us with directions to a Kauai restaurant. When Siri protested that she could not fulfill our request, we hurled insults at her disembodied electronic voice. This caught the attention of our friendly flight attendant, who asked us politely to switch our phones to Airplane mode.

Admittedly, we are no experts on these things but
some of the currents we encountered while snorkeling
here in the Pacific were unusually warm—much warmer
than the surrounding water. This was a particularly
interesting way to experience the phenomenon of the
so-called "El Niño" oscillation that forecasters are
saying is a harbinger of a cold, wet winter in North
America. Ironically, at the same time we experienced
these currents, it was snowing back home. Go figure.

In the wake of the hysteria after the attacks on Paris, we were quick to comply, and apparently a good thing, too. Two days later we would learn that a rude, drunken Polish traveler had been taken into federal custody in Boston for unruly behavior aboard an airplane, and that another traveler had finked on passengers they didn't like for apparent "suspicious behavior" during a flight into Washington, DC.

We are living in weird times right now, and The Fear drives the simpleminded toward vengeance and unconscionable behaviors. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has fomented this sentiment and used it to his advantage. He has tapped into a nerve of uncertainty and has duped the fearful into embracing the politics of xenophobia. Our nation is on the verge of madness, and  I firmly believe that everyone could probably take a tip from our flight attendant and take a stretch break before things escalate any further. That's easy for us to say, I suppose. We are in the middle of a stretch break in a tropical paradise.

Our Hawaiian wake-up call, so to speak.

The day after our plane ride, the sunrise outside of our temporary quarters make it hard to believe that there is any strife out there in the world. Yet the freakishly hot currents we encountered intermittently while snorkeling did betray that things are heating up, and perhaps there is something desperately wrong with things in the world right now.

And that creates a peculiarly difficult scenario, doesn't it?

How do you provide the Earth with a "stretch break" that will reinvigorate and rejuvenate our beautiful home planet without disrupting the slap-dash house of cards we have assembled in the name of commerce, supply chains, quality-of-life, Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness? Donald Trump seems to believe we can accomplish this by erecting walls, our President believes it can be done by snooping on our own citizens, Congress believes we can accomplish this task with decreased spending, corporations are banking on increased consumerism, environmentalists think the answer lies in electric vehicles and plastic-bag bans; everyone, it seems, has some sort of solution in mind—as long as it doesn't involve regulating the population or depriving anyone of the luxuries to which they have become accustomed. 

I don't know what the answer is myself, but we will be sure to ponder these things here on this island during our own personal stretch break. If we come up with anything profound, we will surely share it. Otherwise, we likely will take the example of our charming flight attendant and simply disappear into the moment of bliss that we have carved out for ourselves during the course of our otherwise busy lives.

See you on down the road.