Shaken not stirred

We are eagerly drinking in the local culture.

ST. GEORGE, Utah—There is a charming white-bread wholesomeness here that's endearing and terrifying at the same time. We are smack dab in the heart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Here in St. George lies the oldest Mormon Tabernacle in North America. Contrary to common folklore, it is this town, not Salt Lake City, that is the epicenter of Mormonism. Not only does St. George house the Temple—a gleaming white architectural marvel situated near the center of town—but it is also the original home of Mormon warrior Brigham Young, second president of the Mormon church.

A focus on the family is big here.

Here in Utah's Dixie—a nickname gleaned from the successful farming of cotton by Mormon settlers back in the 1861—the LDS influence is still alive, well and very apparent. A focus on Family is omnipresent here. Even at the vacation condo where we're staying—a dreary little place that could use some updating into the modern century—families rank high on the priority list. The central swimming pool was choked with good-looking families, each sporting myriad children. Even couples in their early twenties had at least two children, with more on the way, judging from the proliferation of baby bumps below bathing suits out at poolside.

Most of the people here are beautiful and in good physical condition. Most of the men are well muscled and fresh faced—like life-size Ken Dolls strutting about in workout clothes or tasteful fashion. The women are nicely tanned, well-mannered, quick to coddle their children, and active and successful at keeping their bodies toned and supple despite the stretch marks. The vast, vast majority of people we've seen in St. George are Anglo. The city and the church, it seems, have done a good job hiding those with "The Mark of Cain."

A place for promises.

The Mormon influence here was subtle at first. We didn't notice it until we tried to find a liquor store. There are precious few here. While Mormon churches literally can be found on nearly every block in the residential neighborhoods of St. George, we have heard of only two liquor stores, both well hidden. Ironically, nearly every local we asked knew exactly where both were as well as their hours of operation. It seems that among the plethora of pretty tow-headed model specimens active in the church exist numerous Jack Mormons as well. Or maybe the liquor stores are there only for people like us.
 
When we visited the St. George Temple, we were immediately greeted by a pleasant young missionary woman who quickly quizzed us on our religious foundations and our knowledge of the cult church. In the visitor center, she showed us a giant scale model of Jerusalem as it existed during the time of Christ. Jesus in all of the paintings in the visitor center was depicted as a good-looking light-haired man with blue eyes. Go figure.

In the Garden of Gethsemane

Our hostess was quick to point out the Garden of Gethsemane among landmarks on the map. That was the location where Jesus had his moment of doubt after being tempted by Lucifer. The missionary's eyes kept wandering down toward Caroline's breasts as she told us about church beliefs. I later nicknamed my companion's ta-tas as the temptresses, because of the fascinating spell they seemed to have cast upon our hostess. To me such a thing was not surprising; I remain fascinated by them every day. 

When we asked to see the inside of the Temple, our hostess told us that such a thing was not possible for non-church members.

"The Temple is a place where church members make promises to God," she explained. "Inside are where the most important facets of the church take place."

According to our guide, people (including dead ones) are Baptized by immersion into the church. Also, "sealing ceremonies" take place there because "we believe that a marriage can last for eternity," she said. I'm sure there are some Mormon men out there who are thinking exactly the same thing as they make their way to the hidden liquor stores.

Interestingly enough, she made the analogy that the "sealing process" was a lot like canning beans: "Beans can go bad unless they're sealed!" she giggled.

The wholesomeness is thick!

I was fascinated and I really did want to go inside the Temple. But I knew it never was to be. Even though Jesus gave his message freely to anyone who cared to hear it, access to such things are by invitation only in the realm of the LDS, apparently. Though I don't tend to pretend to know what Jesus would do, I can only think that such exclusivity would make him sad. But maybe that's just me.

With the array of wholesomeness here, however, there is an abundance of dairy treats to be had. We found some awesomely thick shakes at the Iceberg Drive Inn. They didn't really serve shakes; their product was more like a giant cup of deliciously cold and fresh soft-serve ice cream in dozens of possible flavor combinations. Refreshing? You bet!

We like it here in St. George for the most part, but even Ice Cream every day would probably get a little tedious. We crave a little more diversity, and we'll find that soon enough, I suppose. 

See you on down the road!