The Stuff that Dreams are Made of!

DENVER, Colo.—Casa Bonita is a Denver dining institution that has been captivating the imagination and insulting palates for 40 thrilling years.

A meal that looks great in B&W or color!

Last time I had been to this Disney-meets-Reno-meets-pennitentiary-cafeteria "entertainmeatery" I was eight years old and my father was still alive. This visit was a celebration of 15 years of togetherness with my wonderful common-law spouse. It takes an anniversary of that magnitude to pull off a stunt as callous as taking the person you love to amateur dinner theater known for lousy food. I love my spouse, and I love that she loves me enough to put up with my shenanigans. With so much love in the air, it was easy to overlook the blemishes, age spots and feebleness that had overtaken this once-proud establishment.

In some ways, Casa Bonita hasn't changed much since I had been there last, and I don't mean that in a good way. The place could seriously use some updating. A musty smell haunts the outer alcove and the walls are stained with the smudges of a million hungry hands feeling their way into the interior.

Front row seats make the show even better!

The show inside had devolved from the excitement of a tribute to daring Acapulco cliff divers into a high-school-production-quality event featuring a pasty local youngster with decent abs, wearing board shorts and a tentative grin, executing Fosbury flops into a pond of stagnant water. But that's not the only act in the show, and the escaped-gorilla schtick is still a crowd pleaser in an unsettling way. Imagine a guy in cheap monkey costume running around a restaurant trying to escape a panicked trainer, and you can imagine the hilarity. Oh, the gorilla wears board shorts, too! Meanwhile, an invisible guitarist strolls around someplace inside the restaurant and strums tunes. His highlight of the evening was a flamenco version of Hotel California sans lyrics. Apparently, Casa Bonita's strategy is to provide entertainment to divert your attention away from the food.

Belly full of cheese

Yes, though it may seem hard to believe, the food at the self-described "World's Most Exciting Restaurant" is appallingly bad. Casa Bonita fare comes in two colors: yella and a shade of white pastier than the cliff diver's flesh. For almost $15 bucks, a diner can shovel down as many pasteurized processed-cheese-food soaked corn tortillas and rice and beans as they can stomach. It's as if the Norwegian farmers of Central Minnesota had come up with the menu after reading a sixth grade textbook on Mexico. The all-you-can-eat feature means Casa Bonita is not a bad deal for the hungry, drunk or terminally ill. But the weirdest thing about Casa Bonita's "authentic" Mexican food? Not a drop of spice and the fact that the white and yellow "cheese" sauces never seem to congeal no matter how long they pool uneaten on your plate! Oh, and don't forget: your meal comes with complementary chips and salsa—a chunky red sauce that eats like catsup with a bad attitude.

After dropping a deuce on the way out!

Here's a hint: there actually is tequila in the margaritas, and one or two mugs of this tangy, salt-stained ambrosia will help make the meal and entertainment go down a whole lot smoother.

But who needs taste and entertainment when all you really want on the menu is nostalgia? Casa Bonita is as Denver-authentic as gold mining and whores on Colfax avenue. I'm glad the show continues to go on after 40 years, and I hope it goes on for 40 more (though I sure hope they'll change out the water in that diving pond before then).

See you on down the road!

(P.S. This strange post was done entirely on an iPhone, something I don't recommend anyone do at all.)